Pardon us, but you missed out on Lara's birthday, motherf*ckers.
by Adam & Lara on 09/24/10
Oh hey there...long time, no talky. Thanks again for reading. We really do hate to be a bother, but just wanted to let you know that you missed out on the greatest f*cking birthday party celebration ever. So great that your stupid little American brains couldn't even begin to comprehend the grandiosity of it all.
True, Lara had a birthday. But you don't need a birthday when you look this f*cking fabulous. What you need is a camera. Adam had one. It was his birthday present from Lara last year.
Now we don't mean to be rude (yes we do) and while Lara greatly appreciates all the care packages, cards and well wishes sent from the States, if you really loved her, you would have been here in New Zealand in person to help her celebrate her special day. But since you weren't (lame), we'll give you a little glimpse into all the awesomeness you missed out on while you were slaving away at your boring jobs counting down the hours til the season premiere of Dancing With the Stars.
After a long night of work for Lara and anticipatory pre-drinking on Adam's part, we unleashed on the streets/bars of Queenstown. Like any good birthday celebration, we don't entirely remember the evening, but thanks to photographic evidence, we were able to relive the debauchery the following morning over mimosas.
Looks like we had some Jager Bombs with Pat and Kim at Buffalo Club, the bar in town that you only go to if you want to get shitfaced.
Will (right) has a special card that gets him 2 for 1 Jager Bombs at Buffalo Club. Happy birthday to us, bitches.
Oh, and of course there was the grope-off.
At some point we were all dressed as angels and devils, even though we never bought any angel/devil costumes.
Fun was had by all, and we all woke up the next morning in extreme pain.
Dan probably had the hardest "I can't believe I did that" moment when he realized that he drunkely converted to Judaism. He'd like to forget about it, but we have picture proof. I mean, look - Satan is even there putting his arm around Dan and giving a thumbs up.
With all seriousness we feel really bad about how jealous we're making you right now. That's why we really hate to upset you with the fact that the next day Adam and all of Lara's coworkers threw a surprise party for her, motherf*ckers. What you gon' do about that? Sit there in your stupid non-suprise-party-having chairs and look at the rest of these pictures with greed and envy.
This picture is special - it's the one time during the surprise party that everyone was standing. The rest of the time we were slumped in chairs trying not to vomit Jager Bombs that we took 6 hours ago.
A gourmet cake was thawed especially for Lara's birthday.
Only true friends/boyfriends will begrudgingly wear retarded looking accessories for you on your special day.
Not surprisingly, Lara won the Party Girl award for the 28th birthday in a row.
And you missed it all, stupids.
Pardon us, but you're missing out, motherf*ckers.
by Adam & Lara on 09/11/10
Unless you've been Internets-free for the last 7 months, you should now be fully aware that Adam and Lara are living the dream. And when you're living the high life you sort of lose track of what normal life is like. So we decided that we would start posting small installments in our blog called "Pardon us, but you're missing out, motherf*ckers," where we gently shove crazy-awesome aspects of our dream life into your lame-ass faces with care and sympathy.
First order of business - magazines.
Pardon us, but New Zealand is home to the greatest periodicals that your stupid non-good-magazine-having faces could ever possibly imagine, motherf*ckers. We really do hate to trouble you with the fact that our magazines present the world in an entirely different perspective, a perspective that your dumb subjective-news-receiving faces would ignorantly shun.
Justin Bieber is so popular in New Zealand that Justin Bieber Forever has actually been in print since before his birth. The first issue came out in 1974, or by the New Zealand calendar, 19 B.B. And as redundant as it seems, Adam still used the "soften" filter when processing this photo.
This won't be hitting America's doorsteps until tomorrow morning, so there's still time to pack up your precious belongings, drive to the Deep South and get a good tent spot.
Bricks Revolt, Humans Forced To Take Bus
by Adam & Lara on 09/04/10
Bricks took to the streets of Christchurch early this morning in a protest that has left several automobiles dead and hundreds seriously injured.
The macabre aftermath: Broken bricks and a destroyed BMW lie next to each other, motionless.
At 4:35 am, bricks and cinderblocks covering the exterior walls of prominent downtown Christchurch buildings freed themselves from their mortar and began pummeling parked cars below. Following the carnage, which lasted for almost one minute, at least three area cars are completely undrivable. The New Zealand Department of Transportation released an early damage report estimating that over 300 cars have been "dented and scratched to the point where owners would be embarrassed to drive them around town."
Even modest, economical vehicles with decent gas mileage and no frills were targeted, leaving their owners wallowing in temporary inconvenience.
The crisis intensified throughout the day as the victims' owners gradually realized they would have to take the bus to get to and from local supermarkets, banks, restaurants and even parks.
"I was just coming to terms with the fact that my Beemer 5-Series now looks like it's owned by a poor person," said ex-car owner Cynthia Cromwell, "when I realized that I had to take the bus to get to the spa, just like an actual poor person."
Gone in seconds: This 2009 Toyota hatchback, once a sleek and shiny road machine, now looks all denty and stupid, like some sort of crackwhore owns it.
Christchurch police have yet to uncover a motive for the gang-style attack, but Police Commissioner Howard Broad asserts the sturdy building materials were definitely provoked.
"Those parked cars, comin' and a-goin' as they please, with their shiny logos and sleek paint jobs," Broad said, "they think they're hot stuff. With their fancy-schmancy windshield wipers, wipin' away the rain with the click of a lever, never gettin' wet and such. Bricks do not have windshield wipers. I checked each one - no wipers. Think about it."
New Zealand officials say today's protest was the bloodiest clash of inanimate objects in the country since the Invercargill Road Cone Riot of 1974.
All Blacks Part 3: Winter Wonderland
by Adam & Lara on 08/28/10
Unfortunately the fun in Christchurch had to end sometime, because Adam presumes that there is a limited number of times he can not show up to work without any prior notice. So on Monday morning we were on the road again, backtracking through the mountains.
Known for its giant fruit statue, Cromwell is the esteemed home of nothing else really.
Roaring Meg is a noisy river rapid named after a prostitute from the Queenstown gold rush days who never shut up because she thought she was God's gift to comedy, but actually she was just a prostitute.
All Blacks Part 2: Holy Christchurch
by Adam & Lara on 08/27/10
Following the All Blacks victory we made ruckus happen all over Christchurch.
Attracted to bright colors and spandex-covered thighs, Lara quickly latched onto these fun-loving characters after the game.
Having not eaten for the duration of our 6 hour drive and 2 hour rugby game, we bought hotdogs. New Zealand totally ran out of hot dog buns like just before we moved here, so they gave us our hot dogs on slices of Wonderbread. The next shipment of buns should be from Japan in early 2012.
Mr. Cockram was not in, so we took a picture in front of his sign instead.
The next morning we realized that we also had McDonald's at some point.
Our hostel was fun, but didn't really live up to its name.
The next morning we were alive, awake, alert, and ready to go out exploring!
Adam needed pants so Lara brought him to the tight pants store. This pose is called "the thinker" because Adam is thinking of how he will take off those pants now that they are plastered to his body.
Warning: objects in ButtCam are more applebottom than they appear.
So take that, Christians. That's what you get for giving your town a religiously invasive name. Wait till we tell our Jewtorahbagelville friends about this.
6 Months of And Now This Is Happening
by Adam & Lara on 08/25/10
If you're a typical ANTIH reader you've been ignoring all text in this blog (due to intoxication, ADD, or illiteracy) and taking 3 second glances at the images between Farmville moves. Fantastic! That means you must have noticed our 6 month celebration banner in the sidebar.
Yesterday marked the 6th month anniversary of Adam and Lara arriving in New Zealand. Technically the blog has been around for almost 7 months, but we'd like to think that reading this blog has intellectually set all of you back 1 month, so the math works out in the end.
The dice weren't white and fuzzy when we bought them
It's hard to believe that we've been rambling on like this for half a year. It's amazing how time flies when you remove all elements of responsibility from your life. To prevent us from getting too complacent we're cracking down and giving ourselves a hard deadline of December 1st, 2012 to begin the process of thinking about getting real jobs.
All Blacks Part 1: The Mission
by Adam & Lara on 08/23/10
The last All Blacks home game of this season was Aug 7th in Christchurch, which is a 50 minute plane ride from Queenstown. There was no question about it - we had to go. Last chance to see the best team of the best sport in New Zealand play. So we bought 2 game tix, 2 plane tix and 1 flask. We were all set.
That is, until our day-of-game flight got canceled due to shit weather. It was 1:30pm, and we needed to be there by 7:30pm at the latest if we wanted to see the haka. Our situation seemed hopeless. Adam was crying again.
But we sucked it up, got in the Steema and put the pedal to the f*cking medal.
We had 6 hours to drive 500km in the rain and snow through some of the dodgiest mountain passes in the South Island. And we only had Lara's iPod with us which is full of whiny indie hipster music, which ended up complimenting the weather perfectly.
We cut corners in every way possible to save time. Actually, we just took short pee pee stops and parked illegally when we got to Christchurch. But it was enough. We threw all our shit in our room and ran to the stadium. We huffed it to our seats, diluted our whisky into a bottle of Coke (sorry Jim, we wanted it to last longer) and were completely dialed with literally 2 minutes to spare before the most electrifying non-Pujols tradition in sports:
Fresh seats in the Tui stand
We had a great view of the Jumbo-tron too
The drive was worth it. Plus, by no effort of his own Adam actually purchased the optional cancellation insurance for the plane tickets, marking the first time that Adam ever accidentally did something not catastrophic.
Hot and Meaty
by Adam & Lara on 08/22/10
No, we're not talking about Mario Lopez. Although we can't tell you the number of times he's almost made the blog post cut.
What I wouldn't give to be that Huffy 10-speed.
We're talking about meat pies. Specifically we're talking about the meat pies that we just made this afternoon that knocked our f*cking socks off. Behold:
6 hot bundles-o-meat wrapped in flaky pastry and baked to perfection in a Texas muffin tin. Presenting the pastries is the Texas muffin herself, Lara Cirkovic.
These things were delish, and this was just our first batch. By the time we get back to the States (April-ish 2011, btw) Lara will be so good at making meat pies (and Adam at eating them) that we'll be ready to open our own pie stand, a thought that has quasi-sincerely crossed our minds.
Step 1 to opening a pie stand will be devising a business plan that clearly spells out how we will run a pie stand without very quickly becoming obese.
Adam has already enlisted the help of his hilarious (and engaged - congrats!) sister Anna to come up with a name for the pie establishment to be. So far the leading candidate is "Meat Me In St. Louie."
You can't pay somebody to come up something so genius.
Welcome to the Blogosphere
by Adam & Lara on 08/19/10
Ladies and gentlemen, Adam and Lara are famous. Our blog has been blogged:
In blogspeak, this is called a trackback. In andnowthisishappeningspeak, this is called MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, BITCHES. We don't have much to say right now other than "wow." Our phones won't stop ringing, our sponsors won't stop sending us gift baskets, and our agents haven't come down from their coke binge for 2 days. For the uninitiated, that's what life is like when you get famous.
Mollie Shambeau, you're the best. You have been added to our list of Intarwebs Funnies (see sidebar) and we'll be treating you to a drink of your choice (so long as it's under $3) when you reach Queenstown.
